20 Questions to Tune Your Relationship Compass

Photo credit: BNG Designs

Photo credit: BNG Designs


After a very challenging end to a very challenging relationship, my return to therapy had a level of resolve to it. I was resolving to break patterns, to devise and stick to an action plan, to change my expectations, behaviors and outcomes. I wanted something different, something lasting, something happy and healthy. I wanted to adult with someone. To have a mature, adult relationship. Loving and happy. Respectful and balanced. Adventurous and challenging. Safe and embracing. Full of growth and prosperity. In conjunction with my therapist, we came up with this list of questions to answer wholly, truthfully and revisit often for changes, because life changes us and we change life :-) 

Upon meeting someone new, it's also encouraged to share these questions with the person of interest, so they can answer on their own and discuss over a walk or nice meal together. There are also questions to discuss to get to know one another, which is available here.

1. What do I want and need in a relationship?

2. What do I bring to relationships?

3. What are red flags?

4. What are green flags?

5. What are your non-negotiables

6. What are your boundaries?

7. What are your fears?

8. What are the things/events/experiences you want to share?

9. What are your short term, intermediate and long term goals, habits and plans?

10. What type of lifestyle do you have? Do you want? 

11. What do you find attractive and unattractive in a partner? 

12. What'd does your most perfect day look like? (This is also a beautiful Law of Attraction manifesting exercise to write out for periods ahead in the future = 3 months from now, 6 months from now, a year from now, etc.)

13. What are your core beliefs? Are these open to change when challenged?

14. How often and important are dates to you in relationships?

15. Do you prefer to plan or spontane dates yourself and be in charge, or is it a shared honor between you and your partner?

16. What is love? How is it felt by you? How is it communicated from you? 

17. What are important things and stories to know about each other?

18. How important is time with friends and family? Do you see them frequently or only during holidays?

19. What are your priorities in life and in relationships?

20. What is intimacy and how important is psychical intimacy? What is a desired frequency of it? 

As with everything, I prefer to handwrite questions and answers in a journal. It's a living, breathing document and flows with time as life changes me and I change my life. 

Live good, live well. Love good, love well.