16 moves in 11 years with #17 pending in the next few months. No, I'm not in the military. I'm single, young and trying to figure my life the fuck out. As another move approaches, I find myself questioning what I'm running to, or running from. The feeling of a home has been an elusive and moving target I've chased for what feels like a very long time. The truth is, I feel at home in most places now. On airplanes, in my car, traveling both near and far. Primarily, I feel at home where my dogs are and feel drawn to the deep yearning to provide a nice space for them to be comfortable and happy.
On the relationship front, there've been short bursts of the feeling of wanting to cohabitate with another. The few times that's come to fruition, it highlights our incompatibilities quite rapidly. Mark another bad decision on my chart. Another failure, another set of lessons learned the hard way. Self-doubt, questioning my decision making abilities, understanding the why of the decision to move forward, what I'm trying to achieve and what hole I'm aiming to fill with the company of another.
When I was much younger, I carried this narrowed and limited notion of find a person I was at least somewhat happy with, sometimes, and settle down with them. What a bloody miserable life that would have been. I operated from a very fear and lack based system back then.
Upgrading my way of thinking and the thrills of life have taught me not to settle. It's also taught me that it's more than okay to spend time alone. Sadly, I've never felt more alone than when coupled.
At 33, I'm looking back, wondering if I should've, could've bought a house instead of renting year by year, while I so desperately searched for "The One," the person I'd make a home with. All along, I've been the one I need to make a home with. I need to find that within myself, before I can find it with another.
Material goods like lamps, candles, rugs, pictures and art hanging on the walls, bright colors and a clean space make a space feel more homey, but there's still an element of permanence, or at least a more grounding and permanent feeling than a 12 month lease contract provides. At some point in our lives, we all need that. Until then, we move around, experiencing newness, purging, the energy of a new space and meeting new neighbors.
Below is a summary of my moves to date with associated reasons, situations and life lessons I experienced:
1. Moved to Dallas from my childhood home and hometown after college to seek more opportunities, new experiences and love
2. Moved into a tiny efficiency (studio) to have my own space
3. Moved into a nicer, bigger apartment closer to work and live with a partner
4. Moved an hour away from work, to save on rent, and for what I thought was a relationship
5. Moved in with a friend temporarily when that went quickly south
6. Moved again when I rented a room from an eccentric lady
7. Moved back in with person I thought was in a relationship with
8. Moved cross country with person I thought was in a relationship in to renovate a house I had no legal protections of
9. Moved back to my parent's in Texas when the above situations expired
10. Moved back to Dallas when I got hired again with a roommate to split living expenses
11. Moved an apartment when I realized I needed my own space
12. Moved to a nicer apartment when I was frustrated with my neighbors asking for money
13. Moved to another apartment in what I thought was a hip and trendy place, with a small yard for my doggies
14. Moved to a house when that apartment life was the worst apartment management experience of my life
15. Moved to another apartment when that relationship went south and received a death threat from a roommate prospect
16. Moved to current house for spacious yard for doggies to play
17. Next move coming October 2017, working on shifting from chasing to attracting experiences and ideas of fulfilling my dreams and intentions.
Awareness and recognizing that chasing things I want to attract by moving all around the metroplex are now at the forefront of my mind, I'm now dissecting the why in order to learn the lessons and move onto the next phase of living in an attraction state of energy.
What are you running from? What are you running to?
Are you chasing, or are you attracting the life you want?
I would love to hear your tales of moving, or of staying put. Please share your stories in the comments.