I've been off work for six days straight. I've spent most of that time diddling around my apartment with my dogs, running errands, reading, writing, mindlessly switching between apps on my phone (you know the ones), and Thursday spent the day with my family for Thanksgiving. "Today's the day to be productive before heading back to work tomorrow," I said to myself this morning. Today I will create my first of many online courses and give myself a sense of accomplishment, like the six days weren't wasted away.
This morning when I woke, I cuddled my doggies for a bit while I read some articles on Facebook, showered and went through our normal morning ritual. After our potty walks, I grabbed my stuff, determined to go work from a local coffee shop for the day, like I resolved to five days ago. I drove to Downtown McKinney to go to Filtered, and discovered the downtown area is blocked off for a festival. So I turned around and now I'm at a Starbucks.
You see, there's this constant battle in my head. If I leave the presence of my dogs, it'd better be for a damn good reason. I don't take their short time on this earth lightly, and want them to live the happiest, healthiest, most loving and fulfilled life they can have. I'll spend hours researching dog food ingredients, medicinal treatments for their ailments, water quality, Reiki healing for dogs, dog massages, and on and on and on. On the flip side of this, I also am fully aware of my need to be in the presence and good energy of people often, otherwise I get into a funk and crave human connection, which leads me to seeking a relationship so I temporarily feel slightly less alone. I don't want that. Ever again. If it's not a fuck yes then it's a fuck no. (Sharing this from my friend Alicia.) Ya feel?
The mind battle continues. As I sit in this Starbucks, typing away, I know I could be doing this at home. But I haven't been doing it. So this is my alternative to get shit done. At home, there are dog paws to ogle, balls to throw, bellies to rub, laundry to tend to, a floor to clean, dishes to do, meals to prepare, a desk full of stuff to diddle with, blankets to fold ... you get the picture. Distractions everywhere. Yet, as soon as I opened my laptop here, I immediately started typing the beginning of a course I want to develop and share with strangers.
In a decision I made two years ago to create other sources of income to work myself out of my day job, I've actually got to follow through with a lot more than simply going to work Monday - Friday. That's the easy part. There's marketing, product development, making and going on appointments, business partners to communicate with, meet, brainstorm with, houses to find, deals to make, infrastructure to develop, meetings to attend, networking to do, trainings to attend, trips to go on ... Sitting in an office Monday - Friday is the known. There are defined parameters, expectations, and everything is a known for that equation, by comparison. Anything can happen of course, another buy-out, another merger, another re-positioning. For everything external of my primary income, for my side hustles, all the rest of this equation is currently mostly unknown and undefined, because I've yet to define it, in fear of it actually working. Fear of success, fear of something going well that's on me. Can you relate? Are you afraid of changing something because the result might be amazing? (Sticking with an exercise regime, anyone? Working on your side hustles? Exiting a bad relationship? Changing careers? Cleaning your car?)
I'm redefining my identity, within myself and in my professional life. I'm redefining my future, what I want and who I want to be. I'm redefining what I'm happy with and learning about what does not vibe with me. I'm learning, shedding, filtering and releasing the old shit. I'm taking on new layers, more love and happiness, less stress and bullshit. I'm re-defining what I want to attract into my life. It's a wildly transformative time ... in the last few months, I've gotten drastically more sensitive to dairy, meat and sugar. I've always had a gluten insensitivity as outwardly displayed by the chicken skin on my upper arms. I continue to drink dairy once or twice a week in my coffee because I don't want to develop a complete intolerance of it, but my body is telling me otherwise. These foods aren't vibing with me any longer. The vibrational frequency of foods, material objects, people, plants, animals, places, music, movies, art, body products, chemicals, water, moods, emotions, feelings ... it all matters. It all fucking matters. The more we become aware of this, the more we learn, the better we become. This same principle explains why some people just creep us out, or on the other side, we just love being in the presence of, right off the bat. Intuition tells us to go a different way to avoid a wreck. Intuition tells us to get out of that enclosed metal box (elevator) with that guy that doesn't seem quite right. Our human mind tries to rationalize it out and tells us it's fine, don't be too sensitive.
Actually, you know what, DO BE TOO SENSITIVE. Be aware of your body, listen to what it's telling you. Be aware of your surroundings, of who you are spending time with and what you're spending your time, money and energy doing, eating, thinking about, planning. Maybe wasting time isn't actually what we think it is. Wasting time to me is doing something I don't give a single fuck about. Going to Wal-Mart, dollar stores, Hobby Lobby, church, watching sports, watching just about anything on TV, gossiping, talking about sports, black Friday shopping, hunting, drinking, going to bars and clubs ... you get the point. Your list might look wildly different, and that's wonderful. The point is to be able to define your list so you know what you don't give a fuck about to allow resources for what you do give fucks about. Reading, writing, conversations with depth, spending time with my dogs, traveling, cooking, drinking coffee, learning, experiencing things that bring me joy, development, happiness, excitement, challenging up, etc.
While I'm learning all of this, I'm still mentally and egotistically hard on myself with expectations of what I SHOULD be doing, SHOULD have done and SHOULD have accomplished by now. By some measures, I'm doing okay. By others, quite well. And the ones that are put on us by society, I'm way behind the American Dream's requirements for a happy life. I'm 33 and single, I rent my primary residence and have 0 human children. I unsubscribed to this ideology about 10 years ago when I decided to not own a TV or subscribe to cable any longer. BOOM! Take THAT, society!
I've said all that to say this. Time is not wasted if it's doing something you enjoy, and brings you happiness. It's not time wasted if you're learning and growing, shedding and releasing, resting and powering up for the next big wave to come.